Friday, October 10, 2008

Oh, yeah, today was fantastic. Ugh.

I got no sleep last night. Asher wasn't sleeping very soundly, and kept tossing and turning. Which meant that his tube kept kinking. Which meant that his feed couldn't go through. Which meant that his alarm kept going off. Which meant that i had to get up.

A lot.

The longest chunk of sleep i got was an hour and a half.

Yeah. Not cool.

Needless to say, i'm tired today.

I went for my second workout at Curves today. It was good, lots of fun. But afterward i was tired. And sweaty. Yuck.

Then i came home.

To my messy house.

And my rambunctious children (including my 3.5-year-old who didn't go to sleep till 11 last night. Yeah).

And a sandbox still full of water and tank engines (but no immunodeficient, medically fragile toddler today).

And my front steps still needing to be repaired.

You can see where this is heading, i'm sure.

This evening, my Facebook status says, "Heather is drained, exhausted and feeling like the world's worst mother." Wanna know why? Ok, here's the list:

  1. I'm tired. So i'm cranky. I can't think of a single person today i didn't yell and/or snap at. Oh, yeah, i was at my most delightful today.
  2. I registered my kids at the public school nearby today. They start there next week. There are several points to this one:
    1. I feel like a failure, because i just couldn't do homeschooling. I want to. But right now, i just can't. I feel like i'm giving up. And i hate that.
    2. The kids are excited about starting school. Which should be a good thing, right? I mean, i should be happy that they're rolling with this change so well. Except that i feel terrible, because i feel like they think i'm a bad teacher and they're glad i won't be teaching them anymore.
    3. There are all kinds of viruses and bugs at public schools. Which blithe and bram will likely bring home. To my toddler with half a heart and no t-cells. So it puts asher at risk.
    4. Homeschooling has always been my dream. I'm letting go of my dream.
    5. I'm looking forward to time away from my kids. So i can finally get stuff done around the house. Like purging, organizing, painting, repairing, dusting, dishes, tidying, vacuuming, sweeping, laundry... do i really need to go on? The point is i'm happy that they'll be out of the house for the day. What kind of a mother does that make me?
    6. I need them out of the house so that i can deal with lawyers and bank/mortgage people, as i divorce their father.
  3. Last night i ordered a refill of one of asher's reflux meds. Lansoprazole. Yeah, it's still at shoppers. And all the kids are in bed. And i'm the only adult. So i can't go get it.
  4. The house is a mess, but all i want to do right now is curl up on the couch with a case bottle glass of wine and a book.
  5. For lunch today we had pizza pockets and Doritos, and for supper we had A&W.
  6. On our walk tonight, i actually told the kids to stop using their imagination and talking about tank engines. But seriously, when blithe started talking about somehow getting Pinchy off of Diesel 10 with some weird trick that involves throwing sticks and yelling "Yeah! We got Pinchy!" in the street, honestly, i thought i was going to cry.
  7. I've lost blithe's birth certificate. And mine, for that matter. But i needed hers to register her at school today. So now i have to drive to London to get our family doctor to fill out a form that says that yes, in fact, blithe was born, and then we can send her to school. Blithe, that is, not our family doctor. I'm pretty sure Tracy's done school.
  8. The stuff from supper (which was, you'll remember, A&W) is still on the table. But blithe still had some chocolate milk left, and i just finished it off.

Ok, i think that's about it. Oh, no, wait, it isn't. Today blithe told me that when i yell at them, she gets scared and nervous and doesn't love me as much. And another time, she said she doesn't want to live with me anymore.

I know these days happen sometimes when you're tired and therefore overwhelmed. Most of these things would never bother me on a normal day. Well, except blithe's comments at the end there. On the other hand, on a normal day, i wouldn't yell at them, so that wouldn't have even come up. But really, it was an all-around horrible day around here.

But at least they're all asleep now. Or at least, asher is asleep and blithe and bram are quiet. So maybe i should just curl up in the corner under the covers on the couch and dream of someone to rescue me and take me away from this life drink myself into a stupor read a book.


amanda said...

hey heather,

i'm so sorry you had such a crappy day. i just had to reply to your comment "what kind of mother does that make me?" it makes you a normal mother. a normal mother who is having to deal with extraordinary circumstances. you are making the choices you need to right now and your kids are so lucky that you have the insight and courage to make those decisions even when they are so hard for you to make.

i know we don't know each other well, and i hope my comments don't feel intrusive to you. i just couldn't read your post and not respond. i hope tomorrow is a much better day for you!


Jenaia said...

All I can say is we all have bad days and you have way more on your plate then most of us if not all of us. I try not to yell at the kids too, but sometimes I just can't help it and when I do it is scary. Lately everytime I speak sternly to Jodi Lin she cries and tells me to stop yelling. This just makes me angrier because I am not yelling. Just makes me want to scream....."Oh you wanna hear yelling". It is the hardest job ever and being a single mom with three kids and one being special needs....100 times harder. You are a great mother! I read your blog, I have seen you with your kids. The two times that I have seen you with Blithe I have actually secretly wished for the same type of relationship with my daughter. ((HUGS)) for your bad sucked too in a different way. You get to start off new after a the weekend with a new week and a bit of a break from the kids while they're at school. Enjoy it!

AmandaDoyle116 said...

Hi Heather,
I don't know you well, but yet feel like I do a little because I've been reading your blog regularly lately. My cousin is Jenaia and she has told me about you and that's how I came to check out your blog. Your honesty amazes me. And I love your writing style, sometimes I'd think I was reading out of a magazine! Your kids are so beautiful too! You are dealing with so many things right now, it's no wonder you are feeling down. Just wanted to say I'm sorry about your bad day and hope things cheer up for you soon! Remember the Lord is with you always and you can always go and cast your cares on Him. He can and will get you through this difficult time, you just have to ask Him.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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